i miss the icebox.
frozen.
numb.
A mere observer of the world and life as I stay passive by will.
Not so long ago, i got thawed to feel bliss(not love..) and as cursed.. pain.
I guess can say i'm sane, because I always had this mechanism to wallow, get paranoid, be elusive and go on. This works for me, and never failed me so i can go about the overt aspects of my life.
Everytime it does though, I pose the age old question. When will I be kept, warm and useful to the world as to another person?
The reason why i opted to be a single-mom is that, I know my child would not have so much of a choice but to depend on me, trust/rely on me to get through with her life. This is my only consulation. From the time i decided on this, I beleived the only person I could get the satisfaction of being significant would be from my own flesh and blood.
I once believed otherwise, when I took the risk of getting married. Not that the belief was well backed up with not more than pure insecurity and array of uncertainties. In short i had to still prove the belief to make it all happen. And it was not so much after all. which brings me back to square one.
I have Andrea, yet like the concept of soul mates and what have you... YOU will continue search for that person who will deem you to be his significant other. meaning, someone who you would sincerely devote your life to. Because, you know, feel and believe your significance is as essential as having to go through his life WITH you..vis-a-vis.
Today, I got booted back to square one. I'll try not to hop on the same squares to get me to the finish line.. because i'll definitely go in circles.. rather i would look and study myself again and hunt for the one who would decide to keep me, not for convinience sake, not for pity.. but because he believes that i am significant and his significance would be insignificant without me.
*scampers back to the icebox...*
so the boat that once carried hopes and chest full of happy thoughts.. sinks..sank into the dark, lonely, impossible abyss. there it shall be kept unmoved by my life's currents, waves of my memories shall only bury it deeper in the sand at the bottom of where all the skeletons of the fishes who dared to swim to the surface for air but died on their pursuit to conquer the sea of my significance.
If everything fails... read the instructions. (you breathe through your system... air HUMAN air..is lethal to you boy fishes)
14.2.07
u Had to say it...
can't everyone just hold it in??
all the sickening exchange of affection!! I can bet that 90% is exagerated and is done in vain just so they get to nail someone by the end of the day!
How i managed to get sicker by the hour:
10:30- bagged the 1st prize given for the 1st office wide game ..twas cherry cheesecake (gave it to wene for his vday treat to the gf.)
10:45- won the 2nd prize for the 2nd game. box of chocolates (ended up in the potty as i have consumed almost half a liter of brandy for lunch)
4:30- won the 3rd prize.. mini choco cupcakes. MADE ME SICKER!
5:00- my head startin to throb. coffee.cupcake.brandy.late candidate.
5:30- my husband's taking me out. PAK! i wanna go home. sleep!
tic toc tic toc....
*i need to hurl*
all the sickening exchange of affection!! I can bet that 90% is exagerated and is done in vain just so they get to nail someone by the end of the day!
How i managed to get sicker by the hour:
10:30- bagged the 1st prize given for the 1st office wide game ..twas cherry cheesecake (gave it to wene for his vday treat to the gf.)
10:45- won the 2nd prize for the 2nd game. box of chocolates (ended up in the potty as i have consumed almost half a liter of brandy for lunch)
4:30- won the 3rd prize.. mini choco cupcakes. MADE ME SICKER!
5:00- my head startin to throb. coffee.cupcake.brandy.late candidate.
5:30- my husband's taking me out. PAK! i wanna go home. sleep!
tic toc tic toc....
*i need to hurl*
9.2.07
more fairy dusts..^_^
'nuffeeeezenuff!!
Bessie is in a significantly good mood today, so is mah sistahs anne and gi.
I am too..
Well, my head is backlogged when i board into my decisions of the MiND.
I oblitirated all of the physical memories that I have of him. Yay!!
let it not come a day when i go regret on what i just did, coz that would have me back in square one. seeesh! (instance may be, he had this idea not to have his presence felt so it would not be hard for me to move on---lassie trick...that move is patented by ME!and no one.. especially not him will ever dare to take sweet credit to this move!)
'twas kinda neat actually, instantaneously i cleared folders.. did not even attempt to peak.
and was easy..no butterflies in the tummy, no warm weeeziness when i breathed deep.
*applauds self*
which means, i'm gonna go on with this significantly less complicated than the former heartaches. ayun.. heartaches!
On curses:
Boo and i had a chat, basically a continuation of the rant i got frm him through SMS last night.
Seems like we blessed with the same brilliant curse.
We loose the people we decide to love sincerely and genuinely dig.
I had this even before I met the boo, and him I reckon when the "proposal" to his one true love was wrecked by the break up. hahaha! ooops..i know not a laughing matter.
Why this happens... Beats me!
What it made me.. and i think Boo would also agree: I approached each potential connection with uber casualness, and when I get that spark.. I pull back--push him away. If the other party manages to find his way back... then it could be worth a shot...
But it always end up the same.
They go away.
From the loss that I had when I met the boo, i'm pretty lucky I made an out-of-the-box decision on how I looked at my realtionship with the boo.
If they don't quite make it through the psychoness of being pushed away, and they're not bad at all... I keep em and make em to mah dawgs (e.g. the boo).
Confidants, brothas... people you know would be worth keeping and you would not risk them for a relationship, may it be a meantimer or a lifetimer. Silly point is time may be eternal but life by fact.. ends, and the only thing you can bank on is the people you choose to stand by you when your bitch-of-a-life fucks up. Commonly known as TRUE FRIENDS.
These are people who would say thing bluntly good or bad timing because they know you NEED to be told off.
People who, no matter how blissful they are, would sincerely relate to how deep the shit you are in.
People who would love you for who you are and decided on their own to stick with you.
I have several in my list and would like to dedicate this post to them.
Nohea Chicas: monotonous. If i'd be a guy i'd go marry them all!
My college bitchuz: showed and ushered me to my womanhood.
my sistaaahz: held..holding my hand and head haha through this hell im going through.
bessie: we are in all dimensions soooo connected. if i get lost, i know uL find me..vis-a-vis.
the boo: juz one dirty dawg! u be safe. fuck love.fuck fate!26.. uR mine! hehe
Thankies. God is with me through you guys. One love!
*oooh fairy dusts.. happy thoughts*
Bessie is in a significantly good mood today, so is mah sistahs anne and gi.
I am too..
Well, my head is backlogged when i board into my decisions of the MiND.
I oblitirated all of the physical memories that I have of him. Yay!!
let it not come a day when i go regret on what i just did, coz that would have me back in square one. seeesh! (instance may be, he had this idea not to have his presence felt so it would not be hard for me to move on---lassie trick...that move is patented by ME!and no one.. especially not him will ever dare to take sweet credit to this move!)
'twas kinda neat actually, instantaneously i cleared folders.. did not even attempt to peak.
and was easy..no butterflies in the tummy, no warm weeeziness when i breathed deep.
*applauds self*
which means, i'm gonna go on with this significantly less complicated than the former heartaches. ayun.. heartaches!
On curses:
Boo and i had a chat, basically a continuation of the rant i got frm him through SMS last night.
Seems like we blessed with the same brilliant curse.
We loose the people we decide to love sincerely and genuinely dig.
I had this even before I met the boo, and him I reckon when the "proposal" to his one true love was wrecked by the break up. hahaha! ooops..i know not a laughing matter.
Why this happens... Beats me!
What it made me.. and i think Boo would also agree: I approached each potential connection with uber casualness, and when I get that spark.. I pull back--push him away. If the other party manages to find his way back... then it could be worth a shot...
But it always end up the same.
They go away.
From the loss that I had when I met the boo, i'm pretty lucky I made an out-of-the-box decision on how I looked at my realtionship with the boo.
If they don't quite make it through the psychoness of being pushed away, and they're not bad at all... I keep em and make em to mah dawgs (e.g. the boo).
Confidants, brothas... people you know would be worth keeping and you would not risk them for a relationship, may it be a meantimer or a lifetimer. Silly point is time may be eternal but life by fact.. ends, and the only thing you can bank on is the people you choose to stand by you when your bitch-of-a-life fucks up. Commonly known as TRUE FRIENDS.
These are people who would say thing bluntly good or bad timing because they know you NEED to be told off.
People who, no matter how blissful they are, would sincerely relate to how deep the shit you are in.
People who would love you for who you are and decided on their own to stick with you.
I have several in my list and would like to dedicate this post to them.
Nohea Chicas: monotonous. If i'd be a guy i'd go marry them all!
My college bitchuz: showed and ushered me to my womanhood.
my sistaaahz: held..holding my hand and head haha through this hell im going through.
bessie: we are in all dimensions soooo connected. if i get lost, i know uL find me..vis-a-vis.
the boo: juz one dirty dawg! u be safe. fuck love.fuck fate!26.. uR mine! hehe
Thankies. God is with me through you guys. One love!
*oooh fairy dusts.. happy thoughts*
6.2.07
Dice or no dice at all...
Adversaries come my way in abominable forms.
For Feb.07 the stars read as such:
The Bottom Line
The truth is the best solution. (Don't lead someone on just to feed your ego.)
In Detail
Just because you have one deep and meaningful conversation with someone doesn't mean that a romance is in the works -- of course, you know this, but the other person doesn't. So if this guy or gal heaps some unwanted attention on you today, try to change the subject. Make it clear that you are not available -- either because you're already taken or because you're just not interested. The truth is the best solution. (Don't lead someone on just to feed your ego.)
*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*
For Feb.07 the stars read as such:
The Bottom Line
The truth is the best solution. (Don't lead someone on just to feed your ego.)
In Detail
Just because you have one deep and meaningful conversation with someone doesn't mean that a romance is in the works -- of course, you know this, but the other person doesn't. So if this guy or gal heaps some unwanted attention on you today, try to change the subject. Make it clear that you are not available -- either because you're already taken or because you're just not interested. The truth is the best solution. (Don't lead someone on just to feed your ego.)
*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*kcuf*YOU*
Most often than not, they come in nicely wrapped ideas that tickles my fancy and gets me hooked before i could even untie the friggin' ribbon!
"my imagination runs faster than my 2 feet can take me" -gi malavega (friend borrow ha.)
If the whole world conspires for me to think the way i do, teh Gods must be damned to even allow me to open my eyes, and relate.
I make you a deal, since recent event shows that I'm totally uncapable of even distinguishing trouble from ultimate disaster, why don't you leave it to the dark side to deceive me with unyeilding signs.
If you decide to drop me another package, give me a chance to mess things up before i get vaccumed into the same blackhole. Not that i question your intentions, and i firmly believe that i should know better to even mess with your plans. You created all goodness... and gave evil an equal hefty piece of the pie... so this is me.. asking permission to fuck people up before they do me.
Played with fire . . because i was cold. Never wanted to get burned.
5.2.07
i'll find you OUT!
The Bottom Line
The battle between your impatient side and your pragmatic side rages on today.
In Detail
Your heart wants one thing in your life right this very minute, but your head knows that it might not happen for a while. The battle between your impatient side and your pragmatic side will rage on today, with little (if any) resolution. This tension could cause you to lash out at people who try to push your buttons. It may serve them right, but if you add to the animosity, you aren't really doing yourself any favors.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
This might do the trick.
I have this need to shut everybody up. and get the RIGHT people talking.
because.. i have not heard what i wanna hear. Prolly whispers and mumblings..but i want it louder than my conscience... (not that it's pinching a nerve).
Paranoia creeps through my veins, sending my imagination in haywire..
It's nice when people put you in a comfy seat, but it gets all messed up when you find out its a mere act to manipulate your being.
Just like religion (i suppose..) they come up with these dogmas.. Dictates of authority to complitated questions of.. hmmm... society. So people would have one point of belief, believe and you'd be untouchable... doubt you're good as chopped liver.
You have this gut feel that everything's bullshit... ur comfort level hanging by a thread, but still that little helps you get by.
Good if you find it out before you get sucked into oblivious blackhole of false hopes and lies... Disasterous if you already started to shift your mind into the path it's leading you to.
If you're trying to do me a favor by brainwashing me.... save it!
I'm messed up as it is, I need a friend not someone who'll fuck me up even more.
I have already a list of people i want to get even with, and you would not want to have your name listed.
You hope to make me believe in soooo many things i have already forgotten/ignored.
If my intuition is beeping the right beep, you will cause soooooo much turmoil that would only push me to perpetual hopelessness.
You said so many things that I choose to hold on to because:
1. nice to hear. remember. believe.
2. i like you.
3. it ended the feeling that i'm in this alone.
If again my hunches are proved to be accurate, iD go on with my bitter life, cursing future opportunities and burn bridges proved to be sincere or not.. i could not care less... the pain it will bring would be too much to even get myself to pay attention to their ideas.
You brought me to hope, keep my faith and worship love again. If there would be EVEN THE SMALLEST lie into all the things you said to me, Good Lord I'll not stop at anything in ruining your life! Fuck Hope..Fuck Faith...Fuck the most Love!
bottomline, we were suppose to fuck fate... but i am pretty sure Fate is destined.. to fuck me out of my sanity.
*to the beb.*
If you are proved sincere... we'll continue fuckin' fate.
The battle between your impatient side and your pragmatic side rages on today.
In Detail
Your heart wants one thing in your life right this very minute, but your head knows that it might not happen for a while. The battle between your impatient side and your pragmatic side will rage on today, with little (if any) resolution. This tension could cause you to lash out at people who try to push your buttons. It may serve them right, but if you add to the animosity, you aren't really doing yourself any favors.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
This might do the trick.
I have this need to shut everybody up. and get the RIGHT people talking.
because.. i have not heard what i wanna hear. Prolly whispers and mumblings..but i want it louder than my conscience... (not that it's pinching a nerve).
Paranoia creeps through my veins, sending my imagination in haywire..
It's nice when people put you in a comfy seat, but it gets all messed up when you find out its a mere act to manipulate your being.
Just like religion (i suppose..) they come up with these dogmas.. Dictates of authority to complitated questions of.. hmmm... society. So people would have one point of belief, believe and you'd be untouchable... doubt you're good as chopped liver.
You have this gut feel that everything's bullshit... ur comfort level hanging by a thread, but still that little helps you get by.
Good if you find it out before you get sucked into oblivious blackhole of false hopes and lies... Disasterous if you already started to shift your mind into the path it's leading you to.
If you're trying to do me a favor by brainwashing me.... save it!
I'm messed up as it is, I need a friend not someone who'll fuck me up even more.
I have already a list of people i want to get even with, and you would not want to have your name listed.
You hope to make me believe in soooo many things i have already forgotten/ignored.
If my intuition is beeping the right beep, you will cause soooooo much turmoil that would only push me to perpetual hopelessness.
You said so many things that I choose to hold on to because:
1. nice to hear. remember. believe.
2. i like you.
3. it ended the feeling that i'm in this alone.
If again my hunches are proved to be accurate, iD go on with my bitter life, cursing future opportunities and burn bridges proved to be sincere or not.. i could not care less... the pain it will bring would be too much to even get myself to pay attention to their ideas.
You brought me to hope, keep my faith and worship love again. If there would be EVEN THE SMALLEST lie into all the things you said to me, Good Lord I'll not stop at anything in ruining your life! Fuck Hope..Fuck Faith...Fuck the most Love!
bottomline, we were suppose to fuck fate... but i am pretty sure Fate is destined.. to fuck me out of my sanity.
*to the beb.*
If you are proved sincere... we'll continue fuckin' fate.
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