store in cool...bright places

i miss the icebox.
frozen.
numb.

A mere observer of the world and life as I stay passive by will.
Not so long ago, i got thawed to feel bliss(not love..) and as cursed.. pain.

I guess can say i'm sane, because I always had this mechanism to wallow, get paranoid, be elusive and go on. This works for me, and never failed me so i can go about the overt aspects of my life.

Everytime it does though, I pose the age old question. When will I be kept, warm and useful to the world as to another person?

The reason why i opted to be a single-mom is that, I know my child would not have so much of a choice but to depend on me, trust/rely on me to get through with her life. This is my only consulation. From the time i decided on this, I beleived the only person I could get the satisfaction of being significant would be from my own flesh and blood.

I once believed otherwise, when I took the risk of getting married. Not that the belief was well backed up with not more than pure insecurity and array of uncertainties. In short i had to still prove the belief to make it all happen. And it was not so much after all. which brings me back to square one.

I have Andrea, yet like the concept of soul mates and what have you... YOU will continue search for that person who will deem you to be his significant other. meaning, someone who you would sincerely devote your life to. Because, you know, feel and believe your significance is as essential as having to go through his life WITH you..vis-a-vis.

Today, I got booted back to square one. I'll try not to hop on the same squares to get me to the finish line.. because i'll definitely go in circles.. rather i would look and study myself again and hunt for the one who would decide to keep me, not for convinience sake, not for pity.. but because he believes that i am significant and his significance would be insignificant without me.

*scampers back to the icebox...*

so the boat that once carried hopes and chest full of happy thoughts.. sinks..sank into the dark, lonely, impossible abyss. there it shall be kept unmoved by my life's currents, waves of my memories shall only bury it deeper in the sand at the bottom of where all the skeletons of the fishes who dared to swim to the surface for air but died on their pursuit to conquer the sea of my significance.

If everything fails... read the instructions. (you breathe through your system... air HUMAN air..is lethal to you boy fishes)