Ruthie 8/30/2004 wrote

Barely grown up...

Realizing that you are actually an adult.. (naks!) is so far different from accepting it… graduation …earning a degree… serve as a mere benchmark but the rights of passage comes when you are faced with choices that may concern budgeting your monthly wage and actually compromising the gimmick money … which you usually save for … for the month’s rent. As of the moment this reality seems to be a really hostile dream that I have to wake up to… but then again… the only thing I have to do is really step inside the box and actually accept that I’m no floating entity that can solve life’s problem outside the box… I also have to be inside the box to truly understand and solve the problem. Several months ago, I was so delighted because I finally made up a definite career path that I would trod in few months time… I felt so matured… (bibbo ko!! Syeeeet!) with this clear path in mind… completing my requirements for graduation was like carrying a torch so proud, graceful and with all dignity trotting to that big ‘ol lamp that needed to be lit to start the whole ceremony… in my case starting a life of my own. Independence is only around the corner. Comes April… while I was carefree looking for a job, the One Almighty decided to trot with me in my path. He gave me a little extra to …let’s just say… make thing a bit more challenging. I learned that I was 8 weeks pregnant, and that whoozy early mornings was actually morning sickness. Fear, frustration, and hopelessness filled my fighter soul. I frantically psyched myself, I MUST keep myself together. (kaya todo text and press release ako… hahaha) Then again God worked mysteriously to lift those negative emotions and thoughts. Friends were shocked but yet very much excited. Their reactions made me sigh in relief, gave me instant booze that I will never go solo flight in this challenge. A split second after sighing, a began to panic once again. How the hell will I put into words my situation and confess to my dad. After all his sacrifices, his dedication to raise us up as adults single handedly. I know this was one that I can never get away with, so with all courage I texted my oldest brother. He bombarded me with questions, no doubt he was shocked but amidst the anxiety that filled the both of us, for the first time in our entire life I felt that he truly cared for me as a little sister. Of course I was not spared from the sermon but more than that I was so grateful that I was able to tell someone inside the family and much better I was not rejected. Phew! I was never the person who plans ahead…actually I hated being bothered by things that are yet to come.. pondering on such things was a waste of time… I live my life one day at a time… I am grateful for the past and try with all my might to free myself from regrets and grudges… it’s the present that matters. All these were changed when I recognized my situation... i saw myself living des'ree's song... I gotta be bold.. i gotta be bad.. i gotta be wiser.. i gotta be hard.. i gotta be tough.. i gotta be stronger.. still gotta be cool.. gotta be calm.. and very much gotta stay together... who knows... Love might reallly save the day.. Life's a bitch.. but it aint gonna bitch a bitch around.. keepin it real!