I had a horrible encounter with a monster last night. Yup like the boogie man who sneaks up on you while you sleep, only i was wide awake and i'm pretty sure why i became vulnerable.Its never good to bottle up frustrations. Due to over excitement of the long awaited oktoberfest islash bday bash and fatigue from the weather and work.
So i have been sick since tuesday last week, scratchy throat lead to a full-blown infection fever mess, had me plasterred to my bed on Thursday. Come friday i came to work all woozy but i had to smile for the day's sake. wishing that my positivity can boost up the antibodies and drive the infection away just in time for the beer fest..BUT NOOOOO!!!!!! i grew worse by the hour and had a fever in time for the fest, so i resorted to just drink a couple bottles and give it up as soon as my world went blanko.. hahaha! i wanted to go in the tents set along the streets but there were too many emo tikbalangs lurking, i got scared i might contract yet another deadly virus from their impoverished behavior. yuckiness!! so i caught up with anna in shang who just finished a movie, by the time we got to the MRT my pulse rate went up that i was already gasping for air when i got into the shuttle service. i only have enough energy to take a shower and wait for the hubby to go home and tuck me into bed. :(
Saturday was all good, weather was perfect for me not to get another fever relapse but my throat was still terrible that i could only talk in super short sentences. I took pain relivers that also covered my abdiminal pains, by the time the meds wained off my tummy was churning from i dunno what that i didn't get to sleep until i heard birds chirpping. That's a couple of hours of sleep before i had to prepare for our regular sunday trip to the in-laws. Feverish again i prayed that i'd can soon go back to my bed and sleep off the pesteng sunday heat and get better for the coming work week. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! again.. my hubby wanted to buy me my bday gift, i didnt wanna be KJ so i went along, we went to get me a pair of work shoes. The search went on for good 2-hours in MOA, basta i was exhausted then i had migraine and feverish still. So i was expecting my hubby and i could just like kick it and relax with my daughter, when he went into this phone brigade looking for gimmick still!! ahhhhhhhhhg!!! So i went up and prepared for bed wanted to sleep off the frustration that iD be spending the night alone and have to get up to get the door for the gimikero around 4am... :( I asked him politely not to go out anymore because i was not feeling well but he persisted. I managed to take a nap only to be bugged yet again by the inconsiderate husband for me to go with him. I told him to bog off in a semi-drama tone.. but he wudn't.. i ended up tearing a sleeve off his shirt just to get him out of my face so i could finally retire to my sleep and feel better in the morning, but he put up a fight and i ended up palpitating and an even worse headache.
So here goes my birthday resolution. I shall not tap into my emo side again because it happens to be double-wired with my schizo side as well. A flick on that emotion people usually have to make lambing and tampo and pa tweetums also switches on a psycho in me. Trying to remember how violent and unreasonable the outburst was makes my temples pulsate again and it hurts. So no more of that.
.Steady-way-is-the-best-way.
3.9.08
Much to do about nothing..
in modern lingo..petix. hehe.. im just too giddy to even start on my tasks.
SanMig started prepping up the stretch of SanMIg Ave for their event on Friday.
Coincedentally that's my bday too.. yes its going to be a very happy beerday indeed.
The wait is getting tooo painful for me to endure.. im to anxious i finish tasks right away, setting aside some not so urgent taks for me to mind just in case i need to pretend to be toxic.
i just saw the venue format for the friday event and this is sooooooo God-sent that teh reggae stage is the closest one to our office. hahaha! hay...
While reading the same memo i had a surreal vision in my head that my bday would be so astig coz iD have my friends raising their drinks and say cheers all together.. yay!!
This is starting to be a yabang mo moment.. just overwhelmed by the kaastigan. oh well gotta go back to work.
SanMig started prepping up the stretch of SanMIg Ave for their event on Friday.
Coincedentally that's my bday too.. yes its going to be a very happy beerday indeed.
The wait is getting tooo painful for me to endure.. im to anxious i finish tasks right away, setting aside some not so urgent taks for me to mind just in case i need to pretend to be toxic.
i just saw the venue format for the friday event and this is sooooooo God-sent that teh reggae stage is the closest one to our office. hahaha! hay...
While reading the same memo i had a surreal vision in my head that my bday would be so astig coz iD have my friends raising their drinks and say cheers all together.. yay!!
This is starting to be a yabang mo moment.. just overwhelmed by the kaastigan. oh well gotta go back to work.
26.8.08
Unmoved.
I have several bunches of really great friends. I have been tripping on Alicia Keys' City Life intro because i love the way she delivered the prose but more than that it reminds me on how some people have the ability to hold me down and get me back to my steady self. To share these lyrics/prose with everyone, i wish my sista a happiest 26th year ahead. It's somewhat gloomy if you read it but really it talks of gaining enough stability to fight your own battles. Chaos is then defined to understand how to put order in this world. Embrace chaos and your life's troubles and don't let go of that itsy bitsy light of achieving ultimate happiness. Love you and you can trust me to keep you grounded as you did me. :p cheers cheers!
Here I am, Here We are
As it will go on forever
Noise, always noise
Candles burn, lights are low
I haven't a place to go
Life in it's in constant state of moving nowhere
The music is nice, floats through the air
Sounds of waves crashing everywhere
Percussive Submissions, mind conditions
Writing with the left hand
Unknowing and taking the chance
Why not fly? Why not try?
This constant game i play to stay high
But all is just a state of mind
All is reality of your choice
Constant evolution, constant adaptation
Constant state of moving nowhere
Footsteps, silence is loud
Kindness is brave, wisdom is long
Loving is necessary, i need it, we need it
Searching, looking for satisfaction
it is nowhere, it is everywhere
Preaching, pleading, praying for God to come
What are we waiting for?
Why are we so afraid of taking charge?
But it's always changing, always
In a constant state of moving nowhere
We all have demons to battle, roads to walk
Crosses to bear, mistakes and sins
Candles and their steady glow
Water in its constant crash
Endless horizon, rocks of time long gone
Still strong, still here and so are we
Here we are forever
In a constant state of moving nowhere.
As it will go on forever
Noise, always noise
Candles burn, lights are low
I haven't a place to go
Life in it's in constant state of moving nowhere
The music is nice, floats through the air
Sounds of waves crashing everywhere
Percussive Submissions, mind conditions
Writing with the left hand
Unknowing and taking the chance
Why not fly? Why not try?
This constant game i play to stay high
But all is just a state of mind
All is reality of your choice
Constant evolution, constant adaptation
Constant state of moving nowhere
Footsteps, silence is loud
Kindness is brave, wisdom is long
Loving is necessary, i need it, we need it
Searching, looking for satisfaction
it is nowhere, it is everywhere
Preaching, pleading, praying for God to come
What are we waiting for?
Why are we so afraid of taking charge?
But it's always changing, always
In a constant state of moving nowhere
We all have demons to battle, roads to walk
Crosses to bear, mistakes and sins
Candles and their steady glow
Water in its constant crash
Endless horizon, rocks of time long gone
Still strong, still here and so are we
Here we are forever
In a constant state of moving nowhere.
19.8.08
boxed up.
What's the term to word one's capability to be influenced? vulnerability? errr does that cover the act of actually analysing and backing out and evading the actual influence?
On that note, i just remembered i'm supposed to blog about this type of situations before but never got the chance to remember to post one. I have noticed that i soak up on emotions when i'm around someone who's vastly immersed in an extreme state of emoteness.. hahaha. (hay language are of my brain has deteriorated.. i cannot be sober for so long!!!) and in the course of my professional life, this ability of getting drenched with someone else's emotions i could now say only has put me in this box where i want so much to relate but would not dare because i'm so much of a sissy to handle the complications. (sissiness is the result of stubborness and laziness to promote change big enough to ruin a mediocre routine of a life that you already have.. hehehe just so we're clear..)
What's the point of the blog then? uhmmm.. wla lang.. just wanted to share that i'm still stuck with no appropriate reaction to influences that puts my priorities at stake hence i have to blame myself for being a sissy to move on.. see the light that others saw... hehehe.. kelan kaya ako manenega and have a full-blast rampage of negativity? What can i do when that happens? for some reason all i could see are dark images of me gunning down all fugly people in front of me, and my quick-fix would be to treat anyone who witnessed it to a can of soda and a stick of yosi.. KALMAAAAAAAAA! hehehehe.. pasalamat na lang tayo sa Diyos na ginwa niya kong steady. *bow* thanks po!
On that note, i just remembered i'm supposed to blog about this type of situations before but never got the chance to remember to post one. I have noticed that i soak up on emotions when i'm around someone who's vastly immersed in an extreme state of emoteness.. hahaha. (hay language are of my brain has deteriorated.. i cannot be sober for so long!!!) and in the course of my professional life, this ability of getting drenched with someone else's emotions i could now say only has put me in this box where i want so much to relate but would not dare because i'm so much of a sissy to handle the complications. (sissiness is the result of stubborness and laziness to promote change big enough to ruin a mediocre routine of a life that you already have.. hehehe just so we're clear..)
What's the point of the blog then? uhmmm.. wla lang.. just wanted to share that i'm still stuck with no appropriate reaction to influences that puts my priorities at stake hence i have to blame myself for being a sissy to move on.. see the light that others saw... hehehe.. kelan kaya ako manenega and have a full-blast rampage of negativity? What can i do when that happens? for some reason all i could see are dark images of me gunning down all fugly people in front of me, and my quick-fix would be to treat anyone who witnessed it to a can of soda and a stick of yosi.. KALMAAAAAAAAA! hehehehe.. pasalamat na lang tayo sa Diyos na ginwa niya kong steady. *bow* thanks po!
11.8.08
anong oras ako nag post ng blog?! CHUCHU BEWARE
No time to listen to myself. i miss "senti" moments, when you have enough positivity at the end of the day and exhaust what's left of your day's energy making nilaynilay..writing...imagining...wishing..dreaming.weeks have been boring because its too busy to even stay focus. i have learned to cope with stuff and shut off emotions that i want to stay in one area of the day.say... work has always been tainted with marginal politicking, rants over incompetence and blind resignation to get things done and over with. i had a couple of events over the weekend with my officemates, twas a breather and dramatic. all negativity so long as it doesn't hit me directly is neutralized by the horsing around during breaks or when we get to send IMs to each other. I definitely belong to the group that stays evasive of the office issues but could supply reliable intelligence to whoever.. unbiased, well at least if we do take side, we take the lesser evil and more rational party. my family has been pretty fun past few weeks. finally had a chance to take andrea out to the mountains. where she painted walls and kissed the clouds. twas quite misty that weekend but fun all the same. my sista has been in touch, sista gi just a little.. missin her. Anne naman has managed to confuse me with his guy stories. they're interesting but confusing.
once again i have reached steadiness. i need a new drive to finally close deals that i really want to close. more importantly i'd like to seek for new devious ways to put people in their right places. so the world would be a quieter place to live in.
:p
labo lang..
once again i have reached steadiness. i need a new drive to finally close deals that i really want to close. more importantly i'd like to seek for new devious ways to put people in their right places. so the world would be a quieter place to live in.
:p
labo lang..
9.7.08
You Shall be Happier.
I promised someone that i would blog about him because i am such a good friend to always forget his birthday.
A week before the said day we connected and vented out rants that came-a-floodin' our way. I was miserable with my marriage (as usual), he was then bursting with frustration (well at least that was what i caught).
If there would be anything that we could be known for, it would be how relaxed we generally take anything that comes into our lives. Ang mga di magiba ay malamang matibay. :p This particular instance (amongst the many) the prevailing dilemma emotianally drained our sanity. Different from the easily-rattled personas, if your steady like we are steady we don't easily go into a rampage but more complex reaction of resigning to ignorance to handle such problems. Sitting back literally we desperately wish for the dark cloud to go away, for the time that it hovers above our heads every action is senseless from teh lack of concern that things could get worse.
As what my sms said, i can't pray for anything more but you be happy that you survived your past year and happier that you are living another one. Stay steady, act on what you deem is right. If you feel that you've wasted your past years, think again ..and again.. and again.. while you hold that ice cold bote of happy horse and fool life in its own game. Happier year ahead and sorry for the delay. hahaha.. i can't promise i'll remember next year, but hey.. doesn't make me much less of a friend, does it?
Cheers Man!
RoOtz
A week before the said day we connected and vented out rants that came-a-floodin' our way. I was miserable with my marriage (as usual), he was then bursting with frustration (well at least that was what i caught).
If there would be anything that we could be known for, it would be how relaxed we generally take anything that comes into our lives. Ang mga di magiba ay malamang matibay. :p This particular instance (amongst the many) the prevailing dilemma emotianally drained our sanity. Different from the easily-rattled personas, if your steady like we are steady we don't easily go into a rampage but more complex reaction of resigning to ignorance to handle such problems. Sitting back literally we desperately wish for the dark cloud to go away, for the time that it hovers above our heads every action is senseless from teh lack of concern that things could get worse.
As what my sms said, i can't pray for anything more but you be happy that you survived your past year and happier that you are living another one. Stay steady, act on what you deem is right. If you feel that you've wasted your past years, think again ..and again.. and again.. while you hold that ice cold bote of happy horse and fool life in its own game. Happier year ahead and sorry for the delay. hahaha.. i can't promise i'll remember next year, but hey.. doesn't make me much less of a friend, does it?
Cheers Man!
RoOtz
12.6.08
seriously...
been eeyore-ish for 3 days now, my marriage (well the fun part of it) is like a drug.. so temporary but fucks me out of my sanity most of the time -- this i think made my imagination run short because i'm always imagining that my marriage is still ok.
Low times like these have made me bargain with life/fate (all the same) again.. and re-evaluate the values that i'd like to keep if i were to hold this marriage together for my kid's sake. (this is so against my values as it is).
1. respect. i expect it but wont demand it. i guess its practically kind not to force someone (my husband in particular.. who else is in thsi marriage anyways?!) to change for my convinience/happiness, otherwise i should have just married myself to want someoene to change to my likings.
> value my values, if i don't complain it doesn't mean i don't mind. you don't have to live, stomping on my opinions isn't the most polite way to be with someone. value my values, i can't value yours coz i dont think you have any.. your family already gave up on you buster, i'm you're last chance retard! --- this happens to be the most infuriating coz for some reason i still believe that you'd be a good dad if i just show you what you need to value.
> take me fucking seriously you numbnut! ok i understand that you respect my independence but men some guts you have to take everything that comes from me like some fucking joke! ...di na nakakatawa...
2. transparency=trust. (yes not love and what have you.. thats too vague to discuss.. u wouldn't want to taste the bullshit theat would come out of me in this condition) much to do with respect, i guess this i want in a relationship because i hate frustrations. Let me know what you need me to do and where i should stand .. and i'll be that. Don't keep me guessing and blame me for not making the right guesses when you can always tell me how i should be.. im very open to opinions, that's the dare-devil part of me.
> honestly until now you won't let me in. i scared of the idea of having to compromise more things that i value just to get you to trust me. well if you don't trust me with your life.. go fuck yerself buster.. coz i have already tried killing myself for u once just to make you pay attention to what im trying to say! maybe i should just do it huh?! (poor andrea stuck with an imbecile dad).. i'd give her up for adoption before i slith my throat or something.
just 2 things now.. i ahve already given up my dreams.. love and my independence.
so help me God.
Low times like these have made me bargain with life/fate (all the same) again.. and re-evaluate the values that i'd like to keep if i were to hold this marriage together for my kid's sake. (this is so against my values as it is).
1. respect. i expect it but wont demand it. i guess its practically kind not to force someone (my husband in particular.. who else is in thsi marriage anyways?!) to change for my convinience/happiness, otherwise i should have just married myself to want someoene to change to my likings.
> value my values, if i don't complain it doesn't mean i don't mind. you don't have to live, stomping on my opinions isn't the most polite way to be with someone. value my values, i can't value yours coz i dont think you have any.. your family already gave up on you buster, i'm you're last chance retard! --- this happens to be the most infuriating coz for some reason i still believe that you'd be a good dad if i just show you what you need to value.
> take me fucking seriously you numbnut! ok i understand that you respect my independence but men some guts you have to take everything that comes from me like some fucking joke! ...di na nakakatawa...
2. transparency=trust. (yes not love and what have you.. thats too vague to discuss.. u wouldn't want to taste the bullshit theat would come out of me in this condition) much to do with respect, i guess this i want in a relationship because i hate frustrations. Let me know what you need me to do and where i should stand .. and i'll be that. Don't keep me guessing and blame me for not making the right guesses when you can always tell me how i should be.. im very open to opinions, that's the dare-devil part of me.
> honestly until now you won't let me in. i scared of the idea of having to compromise more things that i value just to get you to trust me. well if you don't trust me with your life.. go fuck yerself buster.. coz i have already tried killing myself for u once just to make you pay attention to what im trying to say! maybe i should just do it huh?! (poor andrea stuck with an imbecile dad).. i'd give her up for adoption before i slith my throat or something.
just 2 things now.. i ahve already given up my dreams.. love and my independence.
so help me God.
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