Bloggeroiding

Neaaaat


Thanks to android i can go back to babbling im writting.

Boooyaaaa!

Xoxo

Rootz

posted from Bloggeroid

its 14 o-clock

bored

cramping

thank you hormones

good night!

Resisti all' amore e vivi Libero

Resisti all' amore.
Endure to Love

Endure both good and bad and work to be morally upright at all cost.

Love, after all, is a virtue which is strengthened by its resistance to vice.

Morality is subjective and when you commit 'to love' you commit not to bring forth hatred. The uprightness of love is misused and then we submit to the vice.

e Vivi Libero.
Be free to Live

Let no fear of judgement hold you back. When you wake up and know that your head is in the right place where your heart is leading you to be then you just have to get up on your ass and work it.

"Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood."

"Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are."

Sail away G-Boat

Missed disconnection
Knowing means my thoughts linger, then life brings me luck because we felt simply divine.

The already tangled paths winds even more further I am gracious enough believing that it rather be out of site then we never have to end.

It would be nice to keep this fine line, this ember of hope, enduring the monster that life made of me.

You see the light. Even if darkness envelopes me. You see the light. Even if my soul has been exhausted and gagged that my mind detaches from my being.You see the light.

Dear God, I pray that you loop us right back. Just a break. A dose of luck.

Ruth..YOUR MOVE!

I am struggling to wrap my head around how i am to move forward.





So to further shake up my life, my family now knows of my troubled marriage. And as expected, very different from the pep talk you get from friends and strangers, they gave me blow-by-blow of how STUPID i lived my life for the past 8 years of not saying a word about my endeavor.


I have been selfish and proud..and overly LAZY to pick myself up and fix things for myself.


I am amazed by how i projected calm and collected when i am, for 8 years, have been poisoning myself and slowly ebbing away to a false pretense of a woman of virtue. I tell myself.."for my kids", this drives me more now than ever to fix myself or else i will never do things right when i stay broken.

I prayed for wisdom, and now i pray for diligence to follow through and get this done. I pray that i be reminded when my drive falters and i become lazy to finish this.

My God is a very systematic one, and we communicate quite well. He is done giving me epiphanies, it my turn to come back to me.

switch me OFF!

DearG,

Today you listened to me beyond my heart's desires.
You indeed know how to shake me, and that is to take away worldy attachments which includes my faith in friends and my business deals.

THANK YOU!

I shall push forth only with your wisdom. Put me in my right place, and please when you decide to throw another one of this my way, pwede po isa isa lang.

!ping me

what do you intend for me to grow up to with this senseless pain.. with this hopeless game.

i just want to understand.

i lift all the ambiguity to You. hold me together as i fight to love and live at the same time.

heartbreaks are waste of time.

So was i made to understand but not really believe by 2 guy friends i recently caught up with.

1st guy friend was sooo hinting me to ask about why or more so how he broke it up with his girl. He narrated that he made himself seen with someone else to save himself from a lengthier discussion.. also known as DRAMA since his girl was due to leave for somewhere else.

My reaction: have we evolved to be emotionally retarded that we find this method to be less painful than going through the drama? gawwwd! para san pa ang mga telenobelang di na nahilo sa kaka remake.. its WRONG! i mean.. im not a drama junkie but this is atrocious break-up strategy.

2nd guy friend texted me that his 2 y.o girlfriend broke up with him. On the year that i wished he come out of his boyish ways and start settling down. BUMMER huh?

My reaction: dude.. at least di sinulot! congrats naputoil na ang sumpa! wahahaha!

well i would not know why she broke it off, obvious reasons being... my 2nd guy friend got to obviously retarded for still baing malandi! hahahaha told u to stop it na! :p

how is it a waste of time for heartbreaks for 2nd guy friend? he ranted less.. drunk it all away and he never wanted to talk about it. KAMOWWWN NOW!! if you didn't want me to ask why the hell send me an FYI that you're a bachelor again... (oooooh hohoho.. ooooh.... U SLEAZY DAWG!)

ok that's it this made me realize in have to straighten out someone.

Cheers to men may you never give up in the struggle to be a little more human every time a woman dumps you.

Women are from Venus for a very special reason.

I have no idea what's the chemical composition of Venus' atmosphere but i have a sure feeling it has to be sooo complicated to breathe.

I have 2 of my closest girlfriends in separate ice boxes... freezing their asses off. hahaha!

They resolved and seems like there's no retiring from that resolution anytime soon because:

UNO: they have successfully preserved their sanity... separately! BRAVA to that ladies.. this is the way it should be if we just escaped a sanity-threatening event..say like if you were a victim of... infidelity.. swindlers that run away your life's savings... found out your dad's gay because he wanted to have his own snazzy shoe collection.

DOS: together with that self-preservation... they have the wildest imagination and have established a solid picture of how they'd act when the lash out session commences. Ok i respect that you would want to go into battle prepared.. over prepared even. Since the idea of mayhem breaks down that only constant thing that anchors them to sanity or preserving the relationship we have all come to agree and call it friendship, they recess to UNO and the thought if being successful in UNO and actually gave up non even trying to regroup.

TRES: They both love talking about the situation and i seem to present myself as the sole medium to make both minds meet. AND i hope both of them realize that i'm not a stenographer and i tend to forget and interpret points of view as as to preserve my own sanity and bring them both to this common ground.

QUATRO: the other just confessed a very retarded way of coping while the other obviously and is keeping pretty hard on how she's supposed to be mature. BOTH i must say INVALID because they never never ever considered how we knew each other. That has to be constant if you really want to forgive and let live. Baggies are for... nomads, we belong together so no need to bring your issues in between each other.


My point being, why the hell are we sooooo caught up with our judgments? Were you hurt that much that everything else is worth forgetting? When did we turn complicated?...i did not get the memo... we don't have memos..

my thoughts why i'm sooo wanting to stop breathing the air you're breathing:
1. coz its staggering both of you to come to your senses.
2. am getting a feeling that i might have over-expected on how we really are.. were. then its high-time for me to stop trying.
3. I wish i was this romantic towards romance. hahaha! it breaks my dopey heart not to try.
4. is it almost hopeless to remember how we came to be? we tore down walls for each other, bashed around so we feel better over stupid things, we respected individuality but never before "that morning after" have we held those differences as reason to be indifferent.

I would want nothing more than you 2 get your asses back here on Earth.. Venus air is trippin' on your mind's really bad.

with hearts hearts xoxo and sad face,

Ruthie

it ain't easy.. no no!!

i'm so flusterred i wish i have double the neuro-chemical action as i did when problems were as simple as do i do my homework later or now coz i'ts due in a few hours. hehehe

I'm teaching the WoMan in the mirror to work and live by ultra mega 360 degree modification to my work attitude:

Cramming is not applicable due to a lot of projections that we have to factor in, because we cannot fail because of sheer faith on our skills nor ignorance of actual performance. AND Complacency is and will never be tolerated. THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.

I still end up nagging my team mates to do super tedious tasks not because i want to guarantee that they cannot be seen as petix at any minute of the day under my clock, but really more off to get me answers to present to our stakeholders.
It would not take a math genius to put the numbers together that equates to palpak na proyekto. Documentation is my only tool to bring reason to judgement that i have to learn from everytime i sit down with the big boss. I know the problem, it may be mostly accounted to a single team player's ambiguity to the role and lack of focus but i assumed that team work is and will be highly reagrded, like a 2nd nature to home-grown folks person.
As we point fingers i get dinged for the persistence of each issue and this pushes me to drive everyone to my fail-safe resolution: if s/he ain't doin it right, don't waste time getting it wrong and just do it right on your own.

End of the day, what you complete will be recognized as your individual contribution. What you did not do right or did not do at all can never be claimed as rightfully yours coz we ain't stupid people to think and believe so.

Its so easy to write about how i feel about the whole project, but there's so many unwritten things and much more highly volatile issues/challenges that i have to figure out. As much as i promised myself not to end up as adversity to anyone that i work with, its seems to be inevitable everytime i try to manage the workload. I know we each signed up for specific funtions but i would want to believe that we will all be judged based on how much more we can do especially when what we committed to accomplish is not anywhere near expectations.

I signed up to help. Not to make things worse.
Is it going to be worth putting my dream on hold?

.... it's less boring and i'm hoping much more rewarding if it's all figured out.

if you catch the drift of this entry, know that i don't like harboring any of this anti-productive thoughts. i need your to help help this team. i can always go back to a steadier function and if i go consistently with everyones attitude we'd all end up where we started, obviously disgraced by a reputation we failed to sustain. when that day comes i shall bow my head and smile at how much of a coward i am to stand up to what was expected of me and all the more greater things that i could have become.. only if knew how to hold the staft to the right direction. Talagang unfair ang life, mas cool ka pag nagsikap kang gawing tama ito para sayo at para sa buong bundo. Gusto ko maging cool kahit wag nang sikat.. basta cool lang.

To Gi: Melancholy and Emo-FUckedness

We all get bored sometimes, and most of the time we don't do anything about it.
We all get stupid sometimes, and most of the time we do something else that would turn us moronic.
We all love sometimes, and most of the time we let go because one day we don't want to do anything about it and turn us moronic.

So.. with all our might we struggle to break free of "Love".

The thing about relationships is that we can never say that we can never be dependent of our partners. It is afterall human to relate and to be a parasite towards others. We do this not only towards or with life partners but if you look back on your Love fundamentals i'm pretty sure you have "loved" your folks for giving you allowance even if you're already earning your own money, you heart your barkada for saving your ass in the so many times you could have been grounded, or for giving you that 1st try of everything illegal of your age just for the heck of it. in good and bad times you love and live and move on to more loving and living.

It takes a lifetime to learn, love and get hurt so many times in between. I know you're not too detach from these realities not to account how much pain it takes to cut off a life-line. Pain is essential to your being, to your wanting and needing for greater and truer love wherever that bullshit may be.

Enjoy the ride and like our monthly period.. it hurts but there's nothing that a pill can't fix these days. :p

Cheers sis!

PS

As much as i peg all my advise from my own shitty life, please dont treat them as your own expriences.
I dont trust myself to make better decision not even good ones what you can trust in is that i'll be here for you no matter whats!


mwah

Life is an effed up equation.

Today i want to exploit some life equations.

We start with the variables:

A: represents your ultimate value (self-perceived of course)

B: represents someone else's total character --- let's keep it to the significant other's category --- of course how you perceive significance is another variable

C: perpetually changing circumstance ---- e.g. emotions, weather, your boss' press releases vs. his/her actions, hair color, etc.

D: Priorities/Commitments: To elaborate, acts or behaviors imposed upon by variable B that should be directly resulting to your E.

E: your (my) reality

Now that we have at least the basic variables to factor in, let's now look into how i am the worst person to be putting them into an equation. Let's get on in pointing out that:

1. No matter how constantly positive your A is, you'd end up with a negative value if you're a friggin push-over!!

2. If you let the good type of Bs surround you 24/7 you'd be too lazy and i bet dumb not to suspect that there's a catch.

3. Keeping it chummy with the most repulsive Bs will eventually give you some headstart and hopefully beat them to ever outsmarting you again... and maybe.. just maybe.. they;d go pick on someone else.

4. E is the heartbreaking value of a badly distorted A. Upon realizing of course that (hopefully not yet too late) A has morphed into B as a result of running away from not so pleasant Cs in order to live by your Ds.

5. If you married to/got together with/stayed for too long with someone with an A that's 2 dimensional... (yes not so flexible.. uh huh them retards..) you'd probably find drama (considering that you've already told them in person, emailed the details for them to get the chance to read back) as a not so efficient mode of communication.

This is like automatically taking out all intuitive types (e.g. sensitivity, empathy, regard for someone else) of emotions coz they wont work and it will just make things more confusing.

One of my theories for this anomaly is that 2D As have heightened Ds. So no matter how petty and stupid their Ds are, it is stil faaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr more important than your drama.

If you know where or how i could get my brain a downgrade please let me know, my multi-dimensional A cannot understand how i could impact and probably be significant enough to change or share their/his Ds.

6. C can be easily manipulated with how you react to Bs. My advise... Dedma.. or at least pretend that you give a damn. Just enough to make em go back to their seats and shut the fuck up.
Time-out / Degree of attention (cross reference to your Ds of course)=B's significance to your E

7. Passive-aggressiveness is the sweetest way to put distorted Bs back to some level of congruence (congruence in relation to of course your Es).






This is word math overload. hope it still makes some sense to me tomorrow. Nosebleed.

Stationary

The writer's block is starting to get on my nerves. Over the past months that i didn't get to write i felt numb, i ignored how i value sponteneity all together.

It kinda dawned on me that i don't want to be perceived as somone with chronic case of emotional diarrhea. Literally, i expected this to hurt more than it made me dumb. After the blogging gig, to stop writing was the most dreadful thing to expect. It was like a strange nightmare/phase i went into. I took so much fiction advance-withdrawal for me to submit the projects that i committed to. BADDDD idea.

I have learned my lesson. I shall not exploit my passion for crafts to earn extra money. Like any God-given talent it should be free to influence other to realize what they may be good at.

I am also good in lashing out on anyone... so anyone up for some hardcore realization that might lead to suicide?

hehehe kidding..


... but seriously.. anyone?!?


jk.

DREAMS of a Detoxifying Pickled Brain

darkness of 1/13:

i dreamt of several scenes, what i could remember is being on this squatters compound with the hubby. what was so disturbing about the dream was he asked me to drive the car around that i
could pick him up right at the exit of where he needed to see some people.

i had enough control like i was wheeling the car in neutral gear. i felt stomping on 3 pedals confused which were the brakes, i had less than 5 seconds to come to a complete stop before i fall into this creek filled with yellow goo. there was a man made bridge made of wooden planks and obviously not fit for any vehicles to drive on. as i took a deep breathe i saw my hubby walk right up behind me with 2 companions. a lil boy and some guy obviously residents of the area. i tip toed to the other side dreading the site of the yellow (might be radioactive) goo gushing below. right behind me the boy followed, and fell into the goo. the bystanders didn't panic nor did they try to do anything to help the goo-drowning kid, one explained to me that its instant death anyways since the river bottom is silt filled that you'd sink deeper into it if you try to wobble your way out, plus the goo was actually a concoction of all water-born diseases classified and unclassified to mankind.

So i stood there awestruck how nonchalant everyone was, then i heard my hubby calling me that its his turn to cross. i had to inch my way closer to the edge of the river so I'd have my hands out for him to grab when he's close enough..... 2 steps on the plank.. he fell right into the river. surprisingly it was only waist-high. i told him not to move and I'll get him out. i fetched him a garden hose to grab hold on and we reeled him in.. then the boy came sploshing around like fish out of water grabbing hold of his shirt, we got them both out. We had to spray them out of the filthy goo that covered both of them.

Another scene started with us running away from a medieval battalion, we run and we hide as a bunch of 5 people. a funeral, it was so grandiose that we had it in a cathedral attached to a castle.
The castle had families living in the dark as inhabitants, they scamper out of view when we walk the halls. This puzzled me, eventually i realized that we were royalties. We ran out of one of
the castle's towering gates being pursued by men in armors of all types, there were tribal Celtic ones and there were also the western type. Outside the castle gate we tiptoed to one tunnel to
another, hiding in the shadows until we made our way to our car. hahaha as in CAR!! in the heavy tinted car we watched as the crowd of pursuers passed us clueless that we were just at their peripheral view, breathless and panicky. when they all finally passed we drove 500 meters to one mansion looking establishment where we were welcomed by 2 mestizos. I talked comfortably with them like i know and trust in my heart that they'd help us take safe refuge in their place.

The car slowly drove into the driveway/dungeon. hahaha! almost crashing into a table of men
drinking tanduay and playing tong-its. hahaha! we camped out for a couple of nights there, as royalties we were not spoken to except for the masters of the house. The accommodations were not even close to any cheap class motel around. i remember walking through the halls looking for the washroom. i held a toothbrush in one hand and Andrea on the other. we were led to this crooked room with 3 doors all adjoining other rooms. Now that i recall it it was like prying open oysters, some crevices too subtle to suspect it lead somewhere (there was something/someone in it). I went in, out, through doors but never walked a step back, i wanted to make sure i didn't circle my way around. That was the predominant thought as i search the most acceptable wash area where i can take a shower. I finally settled taking the one where i had my sister in a relative distance and some companions nearby. It (the room)* felt safe and hygienic enough to bare it all, so i went on with my business.

As i stepped out of the tub with towels drawn over and around my preskong body i went to look for a hamper of some sort where i'd dump my used towels. This being a warpy dream to start with its pretty obvious i had to figure out where the hampers were. I crouched in front of the most odd object i could find in the room, and it had to be a door who opens halfway below where i was standing.
There were ---- (continued after the footnote.. )
*there were shower curtains.. each wash area was different from the other but they had generic shower curtains and hooks hanging at arms-reach. I stepped into this off-white tub draw over the curtains. to my left was my sister in a jacuzzi tiled in Capiz shells, her curtains was dimmed more by the steam from her bubbling spring bath. to my right were a 2 door cubicle with mint doors, voices that called from behind them were familiar, a towel hung by the door of the one to the left and a pair of hotel cloth slippers hoisted carelessly on the floor...that's how detailed it was..



READ THIS ALL OVER AGAIN..after 2 years.

Some parts i can still picture, as much as I want to narrate the succeeding events in THAT dream.. i need professional help to regress unto my subconsious.. dig though archives of dreams..
2 years ago!

Brain-gym??

Dreams remain magical. i wish dreaming goes beyond death. An ideal after-life scenario for me is sitting in the couch witih chips and gin and juice watching all my dreams like i am DVD-Marathon-ing. :)

ma-post na nga toh... baka mag 2yrs old again as a draft.

Tinimbang ngunit kulang...

I got my anwer alright. We have beat ourselves to what was possible and deliberately blinded ourselves of rthe impossible.

this is by far the biggest frustration for me this year.. with a capital F for fucking failure!!

i am still clueless as to how i'D push to make it next year, damn the few digits that got me knocked off the painstaking journey to meet 2008 quota. As if the 1.4M losses was not enough tragedy, coping after each decline was like waiting for a broken finger to heal.

i'd expect more of that next year, the single certain wish i'd have for next year is to harbor enough courage to confront individuals to support the team instead of kicking us further deeper underground when we encounter similar losses regardless how much it cost. In a perfect world one's happiness/success should be infectious rather than elicit adverse reactions turning hope and damage control efforts as futile as this year.

i'm starting to love what i'd doing primarily because i hate being judged short of my efforts. I can prove them wrong but then again i have to keep in mind that efforts charged by bitterness instantly bring out much worse emotions whether it be good or less good. hahaha!

to #s 6 and 7.. it has to be better luck for next time for us, shall we show them what we are made of? (sugar...spice and a lots of clean honest tricks in the bag) Goojab goojab! Let's do this!!!

got ink?

I just want to press what was made obvious to me lately, a lot of people i know are getting inked.

My brownie sista Gi just got her 2nd tat last saturday 2 weeks after she got her first, and she won't stop at just two skin stamps she's actually thinking of getting another one (with me and Anne--its the three's company thing) next week.

On that same day that Gi told me she's gonna get her name tagged one of my college friends soliceted for my opinion on a tat desiogn she intend to get. It was of a fairy sitting on what looks like a flower. The following week the boo caught me online and just the same solicited an opinion on a tat design he wanted to get. He wanted to get this ---> etched on his bicep, just the skeletal art. Told him the details he wanted would call for a bigger skin area, he kinda left with no reaction. hahahaha!

Here are some pics of Gi's bodyart adn a peek of the magnificent tat artist she's been patronizing.

this is the outline--- then this is the colored one still red from all the etching.

I'm still contemplating whether i'D jump on the bandwagon and join the craze, few things holding me back really. First, its permanent and judging on how i tend to lose interest on things, i might regret getting one that iD get sick of after a year or two. Another one would be, i might get hooked on the pain of getting one and end up looking like a sketch pad with the so many designs i'd like to get. 3rd and most minor would have to be i'm kinda scared my family would be outraged with me getting one. However, i don't think it would be overly frowned upon since both my Kuyas has one and two of my cousins too.

So far i have decide to get one inked over my shoulders draping to the back also i want to get a tree design with my trademark vines and roots and earthy swirly design. There should also be stars within the design and my name. :) I plan to get it by January just like when i got my tongue pierced. A piercing is actually my back-up. :)

Ngiiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggg naaaangiiiiingggggg nagingg nginggggggggggggg nangingingingngiiiiing!!!!! I can see myself getting addicted to this, i need to prepare myself. Wish me luck.

let me see you beat that...

Busy time of the year is here again, when i'm stuck chasing something that i half believe in.... (QUOTA!) hehehehe...

It would be wonderful if i did make it, maybe next year i'd believe more than half... hehehe maybe 3/4. Besides, for the whole year i've been like bustlin and petix on and off anyways. Petix kicks in when i get demoralized, being a person with a caveman's moral standards.. ok maybe not a caveman.. but someone who couldn't care less if i lose a limb to help someone else close a deal. maybe that has nothing to do with morals.. but it kinda falls in the same context when cheating your way to meet your quota (on other people's expense) is an issue.

im psyched that 2/6 members of my team are representing us real well making over half a million closed sales from agents... KamoWn!! thats like a first in histroy. i'd have my success stories to preach over and over again but its friggin lizzard shit compared to the power combo team.

.... i'll get back with a more interesting topic to blog about (e.g. how im too old for clubbing.. yes i Am! , or another rant fest.. which is always interesting because its trash talk.)

KuDos to Paola and Gelaboo for a job wonderFucknly done!

pagsuko sa tukso.

anong gagawin mo pag may demonyong gumugulo sa 'yong isipan?na kahit anong pilit.. kahit anong desperadong dasal ang ibulong mo ay di ka matahimik.napapagod na sa kakatakbo mula sa mga humahabol na diwang di mo maiwaksi.
baket kasi kelangan magtiwala at umasa pa kung alam mo naman na ang mundo ay puno ng tukso at pagpapahamak!?gusto ko isara ang aking isipan, ngunit ang mga multong toh ay tila nagpaparusa sa pagpikit at mulat ng 'yong mga mata.
tuloy lang ang aking dalangin, ititikom na ang bibig. wala ka na maririnig. mas mabuti ng maipon toh at maghasik ng kaguluhan sa segradong dingding ng aking isipan, kesa ibahagi pa sa taong nanlilinlang.
ayoko na.


*****
grr i hate it. i hate being paranoid about something..actually anything as futile as having to figure out if this is indeed a paranoia or an intuition.
i need silence.

PANALANGIN SA ANITO ng mga KURAKOT

BAHALA KA SA BUHAY MO!

isa kang kanser.. mas malala.. tumor.. mas malala pa dun.. kulugo!!

ibalik sana sayo ng tadhana ang mga kinukurakot mong paghihirap namin!

*bow*

ang ingay lang..

about the time people get back to their seats after lunch break they either burst out singing lines from songs, relay a 2 paragraph-long chika, talk to themselves regarding the task that they left hanging before the break apparently saying this out loud is the most effective way to register momentum back to your day's work.

i hear all these. amazingly can't piece together relevance of why i take special notice of these observations today.

boredom strikes again. its nice to make sense of irrelevant details of your day and try to hype a sensation out of something literally less than ordinary.

i'm gonna go back looking for candidates. or to the book i've been reading. or probably i'd contribute to someone else's witsful thought of the day.